Free movie!

Cust: I downloaded a free movie but it used 700 megabytes! Why? it was written "FREE" it's unfair! 

Sleeping phone

Cust: You sold me a phone that work only during the evening!

Stealing phonecalls

Husband: No! No! This 10€/month plan is way to expensive for me! I only spend 2-3€ each month!
Wife: Wait! You spend so little because you keep stealing my phone to make phone calls! You make ME spend more money!

Imaginary Husband

Me: What's the name of your husband? (Setting secret question for password recovery)
Cust: I never got married
Me: Ok then we can use..
Cust: No no I changed my mind! Put Ivan

Can i pay with magic?

Cust: Can i have a litte discount? or even better i could give you a free Astrology reading for the new year!

Working is not simple

Cust: I need to put some 10€ on my ipad to use internet
Me: Of course, is it still working internet now? (Be sure she don't went below 0)
Cust: Is a year i have this service
Me: yeah ok so now is still working?
Cust: Does it expire?
Me: No, just want to be sure you will receive everything is working well
Cust: I don't know i'm not good in technology
Me: Do you remember if you can enter in internet?
Cust: No, i don't know i just go on google!

Magic Color

Cust: Can i have a cover that doesn't become blue in time?

At the bar

Conversation overheard at the bar next to me:

Cust: I need to go to the toilet but there is someone inside!!
Owner: You have to wait then
Cust: But i need the toilet NOW i can't wait!
Owner: We are a bar not a public toilet, go somewhere else!

They don't listen!

Working everyday on December is even more pleasant when you have customer like this!

Cust: My Husband phone is not working
Me: What's the Number of your Husband?
Cust: I don't know! (With disappointed voice)
Me: What's the name of your Husband?
Cust: I don't know! (With Very disappointed voice)
Me: You don't know your Husband NAME????
Cust: No i mean i know it but (and continue to talk without listening..)

Please kill me

Lady1: "Last night my very old land lord wake me up at night and ask me if i could kill her, but i say: no! who will pay my bill then?"
Lady2: "Yes plus you would have problem to get the new permission of stay here! no no better leave her complain!"

Sentence overheard from 2 lady talking between themself around my shop..

Sorry i'm already drunk

60 years old female customer enters at 10 am
Cust: Can you please check if I have any messages?
Me: Ok madam but it's pretty easy you just need to press this green icon here.
Cust: I'm sorry but i already had 2 drinks of red wine and i'm already a bit drunk

Psyco power

Cust: The company X stole my money! it make me pay the service even this month even if i don't want it!
Me: But did you inform the company last month you don't want it anymore?
Cust: No! but they should have know it!

The invisible button

Cust: My iPhone volume is low
Me: Press the volume button on the side
Cust: There is no such a button
Me: Of course there is!
Cust: No i look and there is no button! Why don't you believe me?
Me: Apple produce more then 100 million phones a year i doubt it create a single one different JUST for you!

End of the story? of course the button was there..

90 cents

Cust: hello i would like to topup (recharge) my phone for 90 cents!

How to spot someone who want to cheat you

How to spot someone who want to steal a phone for dummies!
Me: How much do you spend a week?
Cust: around 150€ each week
Me: Good, you can have this iPhone with just 90€!
Cust: I don't have all that money, what can i have at 0€?

The always icon

Angry Customer enter with an upset face
Cust: Since i switch company i can't read my email anymore!
Me: May i see how you check your mail?
Cust: As i ALWAYS did it!
Me: But could you please show it to me now?
Cust: yes i press here (Gmail Icon) and insert my address
Me: And what is your address?
Cust: XXXX@Outlook.com
Me: Oh i see the problem you shouldn't click the gmail icon but the Outlook icon
Cust: but why? i ALWAYS used that icon before!

Moral of the story: Doctor House was right: "Everybody Lies"

What money can buy

Cust: Can i buy a ringtone please?
(Customer wants an answering machine)

Always working

Customer around 60 years old.
Me: How long have u been working?
Cust: Since i was a boy!
Me: Can i put 1980 in the loan request?
Cust: are you crazy? no! put 2000!
Me: Didn't you say you work for longer?
Cust: well i was working in south italy! it's another story there!

The perfect memory

16:00 (changing password for a customer email address)
Me: Do you want to write down your new password XXX?
Cust: NO! I ALWAYS use it! So i'm sure i will remember it always!

18:00 (Phone ring and i answer)
Cust: What was the password for my mail? I write YYY as usual but it doesn't work what have you done?

Miracle never received

Cust: I send a letter to close the service but it's still active
Me: When was the letter received at the company?
Cust: They didn't receive it, but that's not my problem, i have the receive that i sent it! The law say that's that all i need!

How to help who want to help you!

Me: What do you have? Cust: i don't know

Me: Well how much do you spend? Cust: i don't know

Me: When did you put the last time money? Cust: i don't know

Me: How much do you think u will need the phone? Cust: i don't know

Me: How much do you want to spend? Cust: i don't know

Me: Well we have to this plan for X€! Cust: But is MUCH more then i thought!

I love this kind of persons!

Me: To do this work you should pay X€
Customer: But I ask someone and he told me you should do this work for free!

Me: Ask this nice person to come and work for me for free then!

No Tax for me!

Customer: But why should i pay the taxes? I don't want to!
Me: I think taxes are not something you can decide to pay or not..

Good day

Today i have no rest!

Customer: Why this number is calling me? and why when i answer i only hear a music? Why don't they answer the phone if they are looking for me?

Jedi Powers

What would you answer to someone who ask you

Customer: Why did someone leave a message on my answering machine?

Even sellers sometime are strange..

He: Hello I'm an agent and we sell X (Showing an horrible photocopied catalog)
Me: Do you have a website where i can see a catalog?
He: I don't know, call me later and I will tell you
Me: Where do you send it from?
He searches on his own business card to know the city where his own office is located!
Me: How much does the delivery cost?
He: I don't know i guess 12€.
Me: Well thank you very much for your time i will call you when i need something!

Randomness

Customer: Why is it Diesel if my Car is normal Gas?
(We sell electronic device here)

After a long inquiry i understand that the customer want to know how to change a setting of a strange application i never heard of!

Very very very much

Customer: I receive a bill with a VERY VERY VERY high extra amount! i never receive such a huge amount before!
Me: How much?
Customer: 10€! (normal bill was around 30€ s/he receive 40€ for 2 month service)
Me: Can i see your bill to understand why?
Customer: No, i have it in Sicily, but can you please tell me what is written in it?
Me: Unless i can teleport myself to Sicily i guess i can't.

The evil seller

Imagine this situation:

Customer: I have been robbed at XYZ (competitor place)
Me: Why?
Customer: i got service X for Y€!
Me: Did they do it without your consent?
Customer: No, they asked me, and I said yes!
But then i went home and realize the girl there shouldn't have asked me at all! Why? Why is she asking me to buy a service i didn't ask in the first place?

What should I answer?

1. You are right is all a giant scam! (after all is a competitor)
2. Well she have the right to sell, is a place where they sell things after all! Is your right to say no.
3. Be creative and suggest me a line for the next customer like this (post a comment)

Time

Customer: I bought this yesterday and it doesn't work.
Me: Yes i told you it would need 48 hours to activate.
Customer: I waited more then 48 hous!
Me: I doubt it!

The misterious skill of reading

Customer: I'm trying to download this new application and i don't understand why it don't accept my password.
Me: are you sure your password is right?
Customer: Of course.
Me: May i see where the problem arise?
Customer: Here, it ask my password but it don't accept it!
Me: Well yes, because the phone is NOT asking your password but is saying: "Please insert your phone number to help retrieve your password in case you forget it"

Reading is overrated..

Nice Customer!

Sometime a customer that was helped come back and bring a present!
But damn if is hard to resist this for 3 hours at work!

The way too high cost of online presence

Lady: Yesterday i was billed extra 0.18€ and the call center told me i activated "insert random tech nonsense" but i didn't even went online.
Me: Let me see your phone.
(Checking and find out that that extra expense was caused by visiting Sex Related website)
Me: The extra bill was due for visiting some website 2 days ago.
Lady: No no no is impossible i just went to check my mail!
Me: Can you please show me?
Lady go on her email, show me a mail and  say: "See? i receive this message and i click to check this customer appointment" (You can guess what kind of website it was O:) )
Me: That website is not a free website, do you see that tiny writing at the bottom of the page? it say it cost 0,09€ each page.
Lady: But why is it written so small??
Me: you have a phone with a tiny screen, how can you expect to have big letters?
Lady: But i need to use this website for work! It's unfair i pay so much!

Moral of the story: 0,18€ is definitely unbearable cost in some professions..

Why should they care if i drive

(Background Info: Here by law Driving License is a valid Identification Document, and so required very often)
Me: OK Sir to proceed I will need your ID or your driving license.

Customer: But why the the hell do they need to know if I have a car or not?

Swimming phone

Customer: My Phone isn't working.
Me: Well you see the water test tampon on the back of your phone show it was in contact with water.
Customer: What? Just because it took some water i have to remain without my phone? I need my picture! I need my phone!
Me: Well your phone NEED to remain in a dry environment!

Virus are all your fault

Customer who 1 year ago brought a PC full of viruses and spyware to clean enter.

Me: How can i help you?
Cust: well it's been a year and it stop working again! Now my keyboard isn't working anymore!
And is all fault of my SIM card! because 1 year ago you changed it! (He connect with a UMTS/GSM modem)
Me: If your computer did work perfectly 1 year ago when i give you back the computer cleaned it means is NOT the sim card i gave you 1 year ago!

Cust: But i didn't do anything wrong in this 1 year and now it stop working again!

Me: well i will give it to a technician and clean it again, but you will have to pay agian.
Cust: No, why is all fault of your SIM card!

Grandma rules

Old couple enter

Grandpa: But why should anyone want to spend so much money for a phone like this? (pointing to a top of the line model)

After a while talking about the marvel of modern phone i find out that their daughter live in London and now have a child.

Me: Well and with this you can always always made a video call to your daughter and see your grandchild even from the couch or if you are out of the house

Grandma (that was completely ignoring our conversation till few second before): Oh is wonderful we take it!
Grandpa: But i don't think ..
Grandma: No but! I want to see my grandchild! take out your document and do it!

Who need money?

Customer: I want this X
Me: Ok the price is Y or Z
Customer: well i will go for Y
Me: Ok is Y€ please
Customer: Oh but i have no money...

Wrong number means is for free

Customer: I don't understand why i was billed this 2€
Me (After checking): Well you sent 4 international sms to Cape Verde.
Customer: Oh... but i sent them to the wrong number, why do they bill it to me?
Me: If you send a real mail to someone, but write the wrong address, do they reimburse you the stamp?

How do you dare ask for money?

Customer (Asking for a service): You mean you ask money for that? (With a VERY surprised voice)
Me (Thought but not told): Didn't you notice we don't have a "charity church" sign outside?

Free phone for everyone

Customer: I left my car open last night and someone opened it and stole my phone, what can i do?
Me: Report it to the Police, and buy a new phone
Customer: Can't i have a new phone for free?
Me: No, i'm sorry
Customer: But it cost me 500€!

It's unfair i can't fail to pay 3 bills!

Cust: I didn't pay a bill and they stop my service! WHY?
Me:  Well .. because you didn't pay?
Cust: But is Unfair! Last time they wait till the 3rd unpaid bill to stop my service!

Nothing costs more then something

Customer: Do you have this thing (A brad new model)
Me: Yes i have it fresh from delivery and it costs X
Customer: But in the other place they told me it costs Y!
Me: Why didn't you buy it there?
Customer: They don't have it!
Me: Well maybe this is why it is so cheap..

mathematic is hard

Customer: Why can't i make a phone call? i have 4€ left!
Me: No sir you have MINUS 4€!
Customer: So what does it mean?

feeling exhausted.

Proud of my own country!

Sometime people come just to have some talk, and strange one too..

Customer: Ah all our money always end up in the hand of Immigrants..
Me: Truth be told, if we are looking for the guilty of stealing our money, we need only look into a mirror. Our own country men steal your and my money! You just need to look at the newspapers to realize that..

Customer: But is different when a Foreign steal your money then someone from your same country!
Me: Why? a Thief is a thief no matter how the language his speak or the color of his skin...

Customer: But if i got robbed by someone of my own country i feel proud of him.
Me: If is pride what you are looking for you just have to tell me, i will gladly take all your money to make you feel better..

Sadly he didn't accept my offer..

Magic Travel

Me: Ok i removed the PIN code from your phone.
Customer: Where did it went?

Way too difficult

Customer: My phone is working.
Me: Did you try to turn it off and turn it on again?
Customer: I don't know how to do this "things" (turning off the phone), i don't like this devil machines..

I know better..

Customer who bought a new phone with a new service with a certain amount of minutes (X)

Cust: all this is a scam! when i call the provider they told me i already finished my amount of free call!
Me: Well let's see what the counter inside the phone is saying so we can compare the 2 values to understand if there is any difference.

Checked the phone and it also show an use well above the amount allowed.

Me: you see maybe you didn't realize but both counter agree that you went over it.
Cust: this is all a plot to steal my money
Me: i doubt that the manufacturer and the provider collude to steal money just from you..
Cust: i know how much i call this is all a scam
(And go away angry)

Fix the problem should be free

Customer of the day:
Cust.: how much is to fix this problem?
Me: XX€
Cust.: can you show me step by step how to do it, so i can go home and do it myself for free?
Me: Sorry madam you have to pay since i will spend the same amount of time showing it to you and performing the same work for real. You watching me doing it doesn't make my work free.
Conclusion: customer go out upset and mumbling how evil i was to not show how is done. feeling lost.

Bribes

a customer trying to bribe me with a coffe to make the computer forget about his past unpaid bills.. Every day a new fool's day...

Old guy Therapy

and finally the old guy from south italy get out of my shop after explain in every details his family trouble, his work problems, his financial troubles, his judicial problems...
I should get a degree in psychology just to charge for my time listening...

Little Queen

Picture this in your mind:
Small 9 years old girl dressed up like a barby enter follower by an adult men (you can imagine his dad)
Unexpectedly she start making all the question with the men just nodding in approval.
She then command the men to buy what she choose no matter his objections and be fast..

You can see a girl who is going to run far in life..

Lost in translation

When dealing with some customers is always funny how things translate:

Nothing work = My phone didn't send a single sms 5 days ago

The company try to steal my money not allowing me to check my balance = i decided to turn off internet and now i can't go online to check my balance

This is all a ripoff = a friend of mine don't want to use whatsapp to communicate with me

This phone don't work = In my basement with 1m concrete walls i don't get signal

Why is someone calling me?

Lady: My child keep getting called by this number (phone number from same country but 500km apart)
Me: And?
Lady: I don't want this person to call him
Me: Did you try to tell it to the person who is calling?
Lady: But i don't want to speak with this person, and after all why is it calling my child?
Me: And exactly how am i supposed to know who and why is someone calling you?

1 million question

1st customer of the day:
Hello i'm not from here, but i would like to know all that's needed before coming back home and buy the product there..
ProTip for customers: Even if that is the truth (and a reasonable one even) please just don't say it, you will take all the will out of me of doing free work..

Conclusion: Speachless

Free help is not without payment

Customer of the day:
He: My device have this problem.
Me: where did you bought it? (seeing that is a product that i didn't sold in the past, but that i know)
He: Media market (A big chain of shops around this area)
Me: I guess you will have to bring it back where you bought it to have this service done under guarantee.
He: Oh but they are such incompetents, and this problem is reflected by their incmpetence. can you please fix it for me?
Me: I guess not, i think is fair for who got the earning from the sales to pay the cost of this service..
Conclusion:
Where is my Chainsaw when i need it?

Math is way to hard

Genius of the day
While discussion a billing issue that the customer bring up

Me: as you see this is the right value! after all is 60 minus 40. (The real actual number)
He: Can you please tell me how much should it be?

But i really need the service

Genius of the day:
Cust.: I didn't pay last 2 bills (4 months), could i have the service restored without paying?
Me: No
Cust.: But i really need the service!
Me: Then you really need to pay.

ProTip for customer:
If you are not from this country you are welcome to speak even in the worst possible Italian, try another language, and if i speak or barely understand it welcome to use it to made the conversation going.
I will be welcoming in all situation, and try my best to understand you even with just hand gesture or writing if every thing else fail.

BUT if you are of this country, born lived and get educated in this country and don't suffer some mental illness i pretend from you to speak my mother tongue and i will feel insulted by you refuse to speak it and keep pushing to use a dialect of another region that i clearly state i don't speak...

Wait i need to translate

This Couple of Italians from Sicily enter.
He: Could you please give me info about this?
Me: explaining what was asked
He: Wait i need to translate to my wife..
And start to speak in dialect so tight that i can't understand anything (and i understand perfectly Italian)

The password is wrong

I may be inclined to believe your: "I swear that is my password!"
Unless you are in in front of a "Password is wrong" message at your email web login page..

Hologram.. of intelligence

Cust.: Good morning (Rare exception for trouble make i should point out).
Me: How can i help you?
Cust.: My phone isn't working (bought it here just the day before)
Me: Did you move your number from the old to the new phone?
Cust.: of course i did it as you told me, remove the sim from behind the battery and but it in the new phone but it still don't work!

Question for the reader: should you do you believe him?

Conclusion:

To prove his point he even show up how he did the work?
Can you spot anything strange?
The customer went a long way to follow my direction to the letter and remove the hologram from the back of the battery and put it on the new phone instead of the battery.

Goodluck Parrot

As usual i think rain bring the best out of people.

As soon as the rain stopped a couple of people from Napoli enter to sell me some lotto number extracted from their hat with the help of their parrot..

Where is the phone number of the god of Rain?

This is all a Scam

Genius of the day:
Me: And if you add X€ more to this service you can have this Device at 0€ (Current retail price over 700€) staying for at least Y month with the company.
Cust.: you mean that just because you give me it for free i have some obligation with this company?
Is not a real present without any string attached?
ah this is a scam!

And there it go away..

Windows are more Dangerous then you think

Picture this: i have an all glass front with a metal frame to encase the door (also all in glass)
Today, one more customer tried to enter by the windows
and leave a big mark where he hit the glass.

Maybe i should leave this marks instead of cleaning them..
maybe would teach someone a valuable lesson....

Call center of hell

Me calling Work related call center: you estimated waiting time is 49 minutes..

Far away

Cust.: Hello i don't know how to use this device, could you explain me how to do this that and that?
Me: (realizing that he didn't bought it from me?) Sorry but where did you bought it?
Cust.: At the big super market outside the city, they have a better price then you.
Me: then i guess you should go to ask instruction to who sold it to you.
Cust.: But is so far away!
Me: If it didn't look so far away when you have to buy it why is so far away now?

I forgot i went abroad

Customer enter enraged.
Cust.: I receive such a high bill!!!
Me: may i see the receive?
Cust.: here is it!
Me: Well it say that you made XX€ of international call while abroad.
Cust.: I never went abroad!
I call the customer support and after talking with the girl on the phone that confirm me that the customer made calls from India.
Me: Well i talk with them and they told me you made call from India from 10th to 20th of last month.
Cust.: Ah is true i was in Egypt.. is ok..
Me: Was it so bad you even forgot to be there?
Cust: No it was even a wonderful holiday. thanks you. have a good day.

Internet is for Porn

Customer enter with his iPad
Cust.: My money keep getting drained.
Me: Did you activate any service?
Cust.: No no, i barely go online 1 or 2 times a day just to check for news.
After i check online it show up that the customer activate a number of sexual oriented service.
Me: the system show me that you have some service enabled, did you maybe went to some external website that could have open them?
Cust.: no no i didn't went.

I then turn on his ipad, and go on the browser. and the first page it show is a porn website..

Please at least close it...

Oil is magic

Customer enter with an pretty new phone.

Cust.: My phone screen is acting crazy, is all like rainbow
I turn on the phone and see that is indeed like that.
Me: It probably get some water, is a pretty common event in case of water.
Cust.: but it didn't get any water.

I open the back case to remove the batter and check for sign of water and find out the back of the phone still full of oil.

Me: But is full of oil!
Cust.: Yes few days ago my partner misplace it and it fall in the vegetable pot. but it not water!

Trust me i'm a customer

Me: Well after buying such an expensive device you may want to buy some protection for it. the screen is pretty big and more open to breaking.
Cust.: Nooo i'm always soo careful!

1 Day later 1st phone call of the day.

Cust: How much is the price of a new screen?

I'm the evil master mind

Customer enter visibly upset.

Cust.: My brand new device (less then 1 month) screen is not working.
Me: You see on the screen there are show that is probably a problem of water.
Cust.: It's impossible i always nurture this device like a kid!
Me: Ok if you want i will send it to the repair center, maybe is not a water problem.

The Device go and come back with written: Oxidation inside clearly showing water in the device, Repair not in guarantee

Customer come back

Cust.: Is impossible i always save this phone
Me: You see if inside the device there are clear sign of water contamination, it means that even if you didn't notice some water went over it.
Cust: Who told me that you didn't spill water on it after i left it to you to repair, so it wouldn't go fixed?
Me:
1st since i don't spend money or earn money in repairing your device i have no incentives to sabotage your device while i have it with me, and it will just upset you without any advantage for me.
2nd: if you will find any authorized repair center willing to certify that the problem you described before is'n correlated at all with the oxidation of the circuit inside the device (good luck on that) we can talk on that. until then this phone will not be fixed..

Way too much money

Customer male of 35-40 years old dressed up enter.
Customer: I would like to go online, how much is a modem?
Me: 49€
Customer: How could someone have soo much money to spend to go on internet?